The Keeper of the Code and His Diary
by Leah Emilio-Depp
Summary: Teague Sparrow's diary chronicling the birth and childhood of everyone's favorite pirate... God, I make it sound like it's so serious... um, MUSHROOM! HA! Try to take my story seriously NOW! i DARE you!
1. May 26th

AUTHOR'S NOTE: There isn't a hell of a lot of history on Teague Sparrow… so, LAY OFF!!! IT'S FICTION!!! FICK- SHUN!!!! I CAN MAKE UP WHATEVER I WANT!!! We DO, however, know that Jack's mom was Indian… but we don't know her name… so I made up a fitting one… AWE WAS AWESOME!!!! I LOVE JACK!!! Oh, and I apologize to anyone named "Gillian"

May 26th-

Dear Diary,

I don't know WHY I have to say "Dear DIARY"… you're a freaking book… like you'd even know what the hell I'm talking about… I'm only writing in you because my psychiatrist says it's "healthy"… well, screw me "health"… what has health ever done for me? Oh, wait- never mind… just forget that last sentence.

Well, writing letters to an inanimate object isn't the craziest thing I've done in my life so I'll quit bitching…

And, now, the first thing on my list of "things that really suck" (drum roll please)…

I'm a dad!! Yay!!

No. Not yay. That was sarcasm, you moron.

That one Indian girl is the mom… her name is Mary Sue or something or other… I told her "Look, I ain't being that stupid baby's FATHER… I didn't sign up for this."

And, boy, can she YELL. I mean, my ears are still ringing… she was all "This is our CHILD, Teague!! How can you be so insensitive, blah blah blah- this baby is yours and we need to take care of it- blah blah blah."

Nagger. Little Miss Nagging nagger-ton. Nag nag nag nag nag, geez, do women ever shut up? Ooh… shouldn't have said that… she's living with me now and I'm pretty sure she's going through my stuff. Oh, I met her in India, while doing a little errand for the East India Company… those jerks. And, now, she thinks – JUST because she's got my kid- she can just waltz into my life and follow me around!! JUST like that! GOD, Pregnant women do the weirdest things!!

Well, anyway, and this part was THREE HOURS AGO, and I mentioned a _possible_ just maybe, maybe, maybe abortion for the baby… … my wounds are still bleeding. I don't think the one on my thigh will heal.

Its not that I don't have anything against the kid… it's just… I don't think I'm ready for a kid running around my ship… but, then again, I DO need a successor, someone to give the piece of eight…

Oh, and that's another thing… I don't think I wanna' be a pirate lord either (I'm the Lord of Madagascar, by the way, Diary…) I guess it's just tiring…

Hey, I think my psychiatrist is right… this is actually kinda' soothing… like a massage… ooh, I like those- especially on my calves… but it's not, like, a girl thing!! Diaries can be masculine too, right? Right? No?

Oh, crud, I'm in denial… that sucks.

You know what, Diary? I'm going to do something manly… I'm going to play my guitar. I'll show you, you stupid pieces of paper!! Yeah, yeah- that's it!! YOU'RE just PAPER!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! PAPER!!!!!!! SUCK ON THAT!!!!!!

This is awkward.

-Teague

June 15th-

Diary,

I don't know WHY I still address you, you stupid little book. Oh, and I KNOW what you're thinking- so, just get OFF my back… so what if I ignored you for 21 days? You're inanimate! Shut up!! SHUT UP!!!

I'm calming down, now…

Alright… Mary Sue and I bought some stuff for the kid… that one I told you about a few weeks ago? Well… "bought". That's what I told Mary… I bagged a few blankets and stuff from some blind dude… hah!

And I got a letter from my mom… God, that's creepy because I thought I told her I was in Japan… how the heck did she know where to send me a LETTER? I don't even have a house, really. What's even CREEPIER is that she somehow knew I was becoming a dad… I am getting VERY concerned about my personal privacy, now… She was, like, "TEAGUE!!! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A DAD!?!?!? MAKE SURE YOU GIVE THIS TO THE BABY!!! DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT!!! IF YOU GIVE THAT NICE LADY A HARD TIME, I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN LIKE A FOX ON A RABBIT ND KILL YOU!!!! SHE'S PREGNANT, FOR GOD SAKES!!! DON'T YOU HURT MY GRANDBABY!!!!"

I can hear her profanities now….

Well, anyway- then Mary Sue and I discussed names. I didn't know why… MY mom just came up with "Teague" on the spot… but Mary Sue was, like, "No-ooooooo!! WE gotta' do it NOW!!!"

So, if it's a girl (God forbid, because I can't handle ONE woman, let alone a screaming one I have to feed…) here's the list of names we're gonna' consider:

Annabelle

Ginny

Evangeline

Abbey

Lovette and…

Gillian

I looked at her funny when she mentioned the name "Gillian"… I mean, what kind of name is THAT? I'm sorry, but I will NOT introduce my next of kin as "The Honorable Daughter of the Pirate Lord of Madagascar: Gillian"

I didn't think that "Lovette" was a name, either- but she INSISTS it is…

And, now, the boy's names:

Teague (I think this is the BEST name)

Troy

Ross

Neal

Gallagher and…

Jack

I HATE that name… HATE it, HATE it HAAAAAAAAAAATE IT!!!!!!!!

I mean, LISTEN to it: JACK, JACK, JACK, JACK, JACK!!! It rhymes with "ACK" and, therefore, can NOT be good name. I REALLY want his (I'm VERY confident that it's going to be male… my chromosomes will see me through… I just know it.) name to be "Teague" or something with Teague in it.

Oh, oh- I know what you're thinking, "Ooooooooh… Teague's so vain, Teague's so full of himself- la la la la la!"

Well, I'm NOT.

If anything, YOU are, you moronic diary. YOU'RE the stupid one… STUPID!!

That conversation right there is EXACTLY why I didn't write for nearly a month: I scare myself.

Well, anyway, there was just one more thing I wanted to tell you before I stop writing, my psychiatrist (his name is Larry, by the way) told me that I should find another way to channel my rage (and other miscellaneous emotions) in a different way because the diary didn't seem to be working. That's when I shot him, the quack.

I wanted to tell you that because I knew, someday, someone's going to read this and think, "God he was a bastard… but I adore his mysteriousness and eccentricity!! Oh, God, I wish I could have been ol' Teague Sparrow!"

So, back to the kid.

I'll be fine with "Teague", "Troy" or "Gallagher": manly names. Just NOT Jack… ANYTHING but "Jack"… ANYTHING!!!

-Teague

June 16th-

The girl wants to name him Jack.

-Teague


	2. June 16th

June 16th (Continued…)

JACK!??!? RARGH!!! That girl is SO lucky I have you, Diary, or I would go all Teague-crazy on her butt! I few years ago, I would've bit the head RIGHT off her body!! I mean, GEEZ!!!! You heard how I was ranting, right, Diary? I mean, it hurts me that she would pick THAT name out of all of the others… in fact, I am _very_ upset. You can't see it, now, but there are tiny little tear drops on the page.

But, then again, the baby _may_ be a girl… God, I'm praying to GOD that this little thing is a girl.

Oh… I'm going to be a dad.

Teague.

Teague the Dad.

Teague the Father.

Teague-y Teague-Teague.

Diary, is my name weird?

I think it is… it's a really weird name. I hate my mom, now… I mean, "Teague"? That's like naming a kid "Chimley" or something… That was dang cruel on my parent's part. Teague? That isn't a name… no effing way.

What was I writing about? Oh, yeah- the kid… wait, I'll write later… the woman's yelling about something again…. I'll write tomorrow…

February 22nd-

OH MY GOD!!!!

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY AND SO LITTLE TIME TO SAY IT!!! Actually, I really have all the time left in my life b-

Why am I writing about this!?

I'M THE KEEPER OF THE PIRATE CODE!!! I'M A FATHER!!!! I THINK I'M INSANE!!!!!

Let me start from the beginning- The reason I did not write in my Diary for nearly eight and a half months is because the STUPID mother of my FREAKING child took it from me, ripped it in half, ripped that half in half and then ripped it again.

I NEED this Diary… NEED it, it's like a therapeutic drug! So I spent eight months piecing it back together… the reason I think I'm crazy is because I spent eight months piecing a freaking diary back together… and, of course, I was so wrapped up in my crazy I just HAD to piece together the blank pages…

Of course, it's hard to do that on a boat you have to captain and when your entire crew is calling you "queer". It's even harder to resist NOT punching those sorry little morons in the face. (I didn't resist very well). But the trouble was worth it, you precious little diary…

Well, we basically did random stuff from (what was it… June?) until now. Actually, I'll spare you the details, Diary, they're really boring, now that I think of it. Well, besides the pirating and stuff… that was fun, I guess.

So, a couple months ago, the previous keeper of the code bailed on us. He was such a jerk, the Brethren had met and the dude (I think his name was "Walter" or something…) was all, "I don't waaaaaaaaaaant to be the keeper: it's boooooooooooooooooooring… this code is sooooooooooooooooooo stupid! We're, like, pirates! WEEEEEEEEEEEE don't need no rules! I think we should-"

And that's when someone shot him… disrespectful little dweeb. The code is law! If we didn't have the code, we'd all be cavemen! RARGH!!! That guy just gets me so MAD. I don't even know why he took the stupid job, anyway!

So, anyway, the guys were all looking at each other like "Now what're we gonna' do?"

We just stood there for a minute, thinking and staring at each other before I thought to myself, "_Hey! I like the Code… it's pretty cool. And this whole Pirate Lord thingy is getting boring…_"

So I volunteered and everybody agreed, voted and elected me as Keeper of the Codex.

Niiiiiiice.

Well, I know you're just on the edge of your non-existent seat, Diary, but my boy was baby was born today.

Okay, here's how it happened:

My Babe (that's want I call Mary Sue now, 'cuz it pisses her off…) is all sitting on the deck of my ship and all the dudes are talking to her… and I yell at the crew to get back to work (slackers…) and Mary S. is all big… I mean, I've seen pregnancies before but that belly was-

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE.

It was like she just ATE a person… that stomach was _creepy_!

So, anyway, it was, like, noon or something… and the entire day was grey and stormy… and it was raining so I told her to come into my cabin and she says in her high-pitched, little voice, "Okaaaaaaaaaay, Teeeeeeeague."

(You couldn't tell but I was saying this with a girly voice… … I'm not crazy if that's what you're thinking…. Because I'm not. I'm not! I'm just eccentric, is all.)

And so, when we get to the cabin… and I'm looking outside the window (Mary Sue was sleeping) and I knew the signs- I SAW them. A storm was coming- and it looked like a bigey. Like, there's-probably-gonna'-be-a-whirlpool-storm… this one was going to be BI-IG.

And then, guess who says the baby's coming! Great timing, kid!

So, there I was, hours later, trying to birth my kid, NOT be sucked into the maelstrom that is slowly grabbing us downward AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND maintain my stupid crew that was going crazy.

Oh, but – and here's where you see how kick-ass and cool I am- I NEVER left my baby's side for a SECOND!

And that's pretty hard, even for a dad, because that is probably the most NASTY thing I have ever seen. Ever.

Ever.

Ever.

Ever.

Really, man, if you can avoid watching that- DO IT!!! DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

Witnessing my kid being born was just… augh.

It was… touching.

He's a boy, by the way. Jack Teague Sparrow...

"Jackie" is… well, he's probably the CUTEST freaking thing I've ever seen in my life.

He came out of his momma SILENT.

Completely SILENT. It was only until I held him in my arms when he started crying. Now, I've been through a LOT of loud noises…. But cannons and gunshots got NOTHING on this kid. I didn't mind, though… 'cus he was adorable.

He had these big ol' brown eyes and little fuzz on top of his head for hair… and when he yawns? OH, your heart just melts right then and there.

MY BABY IS THE CUTEST THING ON THE PLANET!!!!

SUCK ON THAT, OTHER INFANTS- MY JACKIE IS CUTER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND Y'KNOW WHAT????? MY BABY CAN KICK ALL OTHER BABIES' SOFT, LITTLE ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My kid rocks.


	3. June 16th, One Year Later

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OH, I AM SO TERRIBLY SORRY, I HAVE NEGLECTED THIS POOR, POOR STORY FOR SO LONG!!! AUGH!!!! I AM SO TERRIBLE!!! FORGIVE ME!!! FORGIVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

June 16th -

Guess what day it is today? Jackie's birthday!!

Today was AWESOME. The crew surprised me with a kind of party for Jack… except it was more of a surprise party for ME because they already had Jack before I had woken up… and so, here I was, searching around frantically for my baby in my cabin; screaming and yelling "OH, MY GOD!!! I LOST JACK!!!!" and freaking out Mary Sue.

"YOU LOST THE BABY!?!?!?!?"

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO!!!"

"YOU FIND MY BABY, TEAGUE!!! OR, SO HELP ME, I WILL PERSONALLY CASTRATE YOU!!!!"

So, then, I panic and open the door to my cabin and the crew's all outside the door and they yell, "Surprise!"

Jack was up front in the hands of one of my crewmates. I punched him.

"What the hell was THAT stunt!? It's not MY birthday, it's Jack's!"

"Yeah, but 'e don't know that."

I had to admit he (this dude named Jorge I found in Botswana) had a point. Oh, you should've seen Mary Sue beat these guys- it was funny. The dudes were so nice, though! They gave little Jackie a bunch of presents- this one guy (Gerard) knew that Jack had been teething for a while know (both his top and bottom front teeth are in…) and Jack had been chewing on EVERYTHING up until now (we found him gnawing on the mast, once) and he sacrificed and cleaned the barrel of his gun to let my ol' boy chew on it!

Jack loves that thing… can't get it away from him.

Another guy- and this present was absolutely INGENIUS- he handed me a rope and said "He'll never be out of your sight again."

And then everybody started laughing 'cuz they knew that ever since Jackie learned how to crawl, he's been all over the place. I knew he meant it as a joke but I'm seriously considering it: that kid does not stop… I don't know where he gets all the energy. And I KNOW it ain't gonna' be long 'til he starts walking…. And when he starts walking, well, it ain't gonna' be long 'til he's running… and you know that's gonna' suck on my part. The entire time Jack did his favorite past time by looking into other people's faces and starring at the blankly, bearing his teeth.

And, going back to the walking thing, Jack learned to walk while holding onto something about three months ago- which I think is remarkable considering we're on a ship and it's always rocking side to side. He's so adventurous, too! He's tried walking on his own several times but keeps falling on his little ass and getting back up again.

One time, he was holding onto my finger and we were walking around and then he tries to walk to the mast (his favorite place to be, for some reason) and I didn't want him to hurt himself, so I gently tugged his hand and then he lets go and screams at me. Right in the face! He just opened his mouth, looked me in the eye and went

"NAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!"

Then he turned around, took a step, and fell on his ass.

I couldn't help but laugh at him. He didn't mind- he juts crawled over to the mast and chewed on it.

Oh! Oh! OH!!! I forgot!! Jack said his first word!!

Okay, here's how it went- I was walking around one day with him, holding his little finger, and pointing out things to him.

"That's the sea, Jackie… the sea. Can you say 'seeeeeeeeeea'?"

He just waved "hello" to the ocean and said "Igama bee!!" So, I continue going around the ship and then I sit him down on a part of the floor no one was working at and I pat the ground and say "This is our ship, Jack? Can you say 'shiiiiiiiiiip'?"

"Bloggle."

"No, Jack, that's not right… say-"

"Bloggle."

"Say 'shiiiiiiiiiip', Jack."

"Chih?"

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiip."

"Chiiiiiiiiiip. Chip! Chip chip!"

"Ship."

"Ship. Ship ship."

I smiled and asked him, "Jack- what is this?" in my high-pitched baby voice, patting the floor. "What is it, Jack? What is it?"

"Ship. Ship."

I AM _SO_ PROUD OF MY BOY!!!!!!!

I mean, SHIP!?!??!???!? That was wonderful!!! He's so smart!!

I picked him up by the armpits, held him in my arms and said, "You are a smart boy!"

"Ship!! Bloggle ship!!"

Then I showed him off to all the other guys and his new word. All the time, Jack was clapping his hands and saying his new word. That little man loves to clap. It's just, like, I ask him; "How are you today, Jack?"

Clap!!

"Yes, Jack- we know you like to clap, but how ARE you? Good? Bad?"

Clap clap clap!!

"Can you say 'Gooooooood'?"

Clap!

Ah, whatever. He'll get it, eventually.

June 21st-

I did something terrible. I know Jack's only one year old, but he'll hate me…


	4. June 21st

June 21st- It's really abnormal, what I'm feeling. I haven't felt guilty about anything in years. I mean, LITERALLY, years. No remorse whatsoever. But now, but now…

I couldn't feel worse. I feel like I've done something incredibly stupid.

Jack's mother. She's put up with me since day 1. Me, this ship and the crew. To the point where she'd go crazy, scream and shout. Thing is, she'd always come back as mild-mannered as ever the next day. But, yesterday she told me the truth: that she was fine with herself being here, but not Jack.

She wanted to take him away. She wanted to take him off the ship. She said I could come along, and we could build a house and stuff. I could be a merchant sailor and she could find some other thing to do beside being a housewife if we really needed some extra money. And I said no.

Don't judge me! It was the right thing to do. Once in a while I actually do things for people that is in their best interest, too. I'm not completely selfish.

Diary, if you saw Jack you'd know immediately what I should have done and why I wasn't going to allow her to take Jack away where he is.

Perhaps he's not going to be like his old dad: a bloody thief and a good-for-nothing criminal… but I know one thing, something that ignorant woman can ever understand: the way Jack IS.

He's almost two years old and a piece of string in front of his face is enough to make him smile, but there's something different behind his eyes when he looks out into the ocean or when the sea air fills his tiny nose. It's hard to see, but it's there. Jack was born on open waters and, goddamnit, he is going to stay here. You'd understand if you knew him.

But (it was night by the way) and I was in my cabin doing some last minute inventory checks. She came in a she looked pissed.

"What do you want Ma-,"

"I want off, Teague."

That's what she said. I knew she hated this boat and didn't bother asking her why she wanted to go back. I did, however, try to explain that we were on course to Northern Africa and it would be impossible to go anywhere else with the progress we were making. She made matters worse when she said, "We're taking Jack off, too."

She suggested she leave the ship to my second in command and her plan for the house.

"I can't just leave right now, right here!"

"Well, fine- we don't need you, you selfish man!"

Jack was sleeping at the time, completely unaware his mother and father were fighting, almost yelling at each other as of now.

She accused me of being vain and selfish while I accused her of the same thing. She said that a pirate ship was not the place to raise a child, and that if I continued, I'd only be a worse influence on _her_ son.

"YOUR son!? He's MY son, too!"

"Well, at least _I_ care about him enough to know that his life doesn't matter to you as long as he grows up to be a sad, pathetic loser like you!"

I slapped her clear across the face. That bitch didn't know me. I'm not a loser. _I'm_ perfectly happy. Good source of income and a son who loves me and who I love more than I can express (even in a journal!).

"You're leaving. Now," I said. "You're getting off this ship."

She didn't seem to mind: it was as if she knew this was coming. All she did was glance over at Jack and stare at him, his little body enveloped in a tiny blue blanket. He looked so peaceful and serene: the exact opposite of how he usually behaved: runnin' around and biting things, nonsensical gibberish the only thing spouting from his mouth.

His large head was visible only at the top where his adorable patch of brown hair lay matted and uncombed. Mary Sue looked as if she wanted to leap at Jackie, grab him and run… but she wasn't that dumb, there was nowhere she could go.

She remained staring at our son when said to me, "You're going to regret this, Teague Sparrow. You're going to regret it sorely."

I assured her that I was making the right choice in Jack's life.

"Well, you remember _this_, Teague:"

"I'll try," I said sarcastically as I took her by the wrist to the deck.

"You'll see your boy grown up, one day- a man. And he could have been a respectable, beautiful man. With a respectable job and a respectable family. He could have grown up to be a rich man: a powerful man with wealth and love. He could have been happy. And we could have been proud of our son. But keeping him on this ship will make him like you…"

She dug her nails into my skin.

"… a pathetic drunkard, with not a penny to his name. A victim of inferior birth… And not even you will be proud of him."

We had never severed eye contact until then. I wanted to say something that'd make her regret what she had told me. I wanted to make her angry and sad. Something that would have shown her how smart I was and how wrong she was. But there was nothing.

For the first time in my life, I really, truly doubted myself.

Some of the crew stared at me as I escorted her into one of our only skiffs, but some couldn't care less.

I knew she was internally trying to figure out a plan, a daring escape out of this, but there was nothing she could do. It was, like, really weird how she readily accepted her fate.

"You're not going to leave me in the middle of the ocean with no food, will you?"

Once again, I wanted to say something sarcastic and witty, but nothing came to me. When I didn't reply Mary Sue stared me down and said, "Fine, Teague. It's just another life you've ruined on your conscious."

I was so angry with her, I was seriously considering jumping into the boat and breaking something, but I lowered the skiff into the water instead. After that, I just cut the ropes it was connected to and let them sink into the water. I realized I had an apple in my pocket, and threw it in after Mary S. and the boat.

There were two oars in the small boat, but I suppose she didn't know how to use them properly, 'cuz she was just drifting as we sailed away. Even though it was still dark, I could make out the broad shape of the boat and the small, curved shape of Mary Sue.

I didn't even bother to watch her disappear.

Instead, I followed the soft cries of my child and returned to my cabin. Jack- God bless the little dummy- was crying his head off because he didn't know where his blanket was. He was sitting on it.

I picked up my boy, slung him over my shoulder and wrapped the blue blanket around him. He immediately stopped.

Jack's face was pink and inflated and his little baby tears still covered his face. I walked back and forth around the cabin, trying to get Jack to fall asleep. He always stirred, but never went to sleep fully.

And then the doubt came again.

"… _a pathetic drunkard, with not a penny to his name. A victim of inferior birth… And not even you will be proud of him._"

What if everything she said was right? What if Jack would never become happy because of one decision I made? What if the happiness I saw in his eyes when he looks out into the sea will fade over time? What if he remains grounded to the land and forgets how happy he was as a child? What if Mary Sue was right?

Jack's fat fingers grabbed onto my shirt and, as he slowly drifted into sleep, said, "… shi'... ship."

I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG, that was sooooooooooooooooo hard. That is, seriously, the most dramatic thing I've ever written… I- I'm not used to it… urgh! SO sorry, guys. I really do sympathize with you guys, saying, "What the hell was THAT!?!? Di-Did she just write something SERIOUS? What the hell!?!? I waited weeks and weeks and weeks for this stupid story and she give me this sobby-wobby crap!?" well, fear not! The next chapter (which shall be up after I finish KFP) will be SOOOOO much funnier! Sorry it was late, again!!


	5. Some time a year later

Jack turned two-and-a-half yesterday and, God, he is as adorable as ever-if not, more. A baby Don Juan. I know that all parents say this, but Jackie really is superior to other children.

Not like I've seen any of 'em lately, but the one's I _have _seen always sit on their pink, little asses and eat- the lazy bums.

Not Jack, though- his vocabulary is like that of a five-year-old! He's already puttin' sentences together like he was twice his age. Why, just yesterday, I asked Jack, "Hey, boy- whatser name?" in my "daddy voice" I talk to him with.

"Muh name's Chack!"

"Jack _what_?"

"Chack Sparrooooooooow!"

"An' who am I?"

"Taddy!"

"An' what's Daddy's name?"

"Taddy!"

"No, Jack- what's Daddy's _name_?"

"Chack Sparrooooooooow!"

"No, that's _your _name. What's _my_ name?"

"Name?"

"Yeah, my name."

"Teede? Teede Sparroooooow!"

And that's when I picked him up and swung him around my head, like he likes.

"Lookit' my boy- lookit' how damn smart he is!"

"I damn smart!"

He was so cute- his hair was flappin' all around in his face, but he didn't care- he just kept on sqealin'. So, what if he has a little trouble with his j's and g's… whatever- still the brightest damn thing on this ship.

However, Jack and I have been gettin' in a little rough spot these last months… food shortages are a problem… and we're always being pestered by rival marauding bands pirates and the Dutch (considering this is kinda' their boat). I've lived this way for almost ten years but Jack… he's used to it, I suppose, but… it's just getting' too hard for us.

Jack is the best child you could hope for on a ship, too. He doesn't mind playing with the same wooden blocks he's had all his life… he can go for a day without food and he won't complain none.

But that's what I'm afraid of. As a baby, he used to be so pudgy and energetic but, lately, he's been skinnier- he used to be able to run around the cabin all day, giggling and shouting but, now,he'll just plop himself down and play quietyly. Once, I saw him walking across the room to get his old baby blanket on the other side of the room, only to fall face first onto his hands. Jack continued traversing on all fours. It wasn't that he tripped, he was just to tired to continue on.

And that's not our only problem: two months ago, we were attacked. A band of rival marauders from the North Indies boarded the ship in the middle of the ngiht: we didn't see them coming because of a thick fog we wandered into and couldn't get out.

They boarded her around midnight and, in seconds guns were being fired and swords were being swung. My first impulse was to remain on deck and fight, defend everything I got, until I heard the faint screams of a frightened child.

I was such an idiot! I almost laugh Jack completely alone in the cabin. I mean, who knows who could've entered the cabin and hurt him? Or worse, _take_ him? I panicked, ran into the room, locked the door and watched a blue blanket scream and writhe on the floor.

"Shh! Shh! It's alright, boy! Don't cry!" I said, running over to him and scooping him into my arms.

Every time Jack seemed like he was going to stop crying, stop being afraid, another gunshot would ring out or another man would curse and shout… and his tears would double.

I didn't want to abandon the ship or the crew, but leaving Jack scared and alone and so susceptible to danger wasn't an option-I'd be damned to Hell before I let someone come onto my ship and hurt my boy. I held him in his blanket for at least an hour, hiding underneath my desk.

The door was broken down in one of those few seconds where Jack was not screaming, as if it would have mattered: his cries were always drowned by the fire of canons and guns. My heart would stop every time scuffling footsteps could be heard against the floor. They never came close to where we hid and, when they did, they were always interrupted by a gunshot to the head.

When the noise died down and the familiar voices of my crewmates calling my name was the lone sound penetrating the air, I removed jack and myself from beneath the desk and called for a status report.

"We lost four, Captain Teague."

I asked who.

"Timothy, John, Alan and Stephen."

Jack was solemn and silent, his head hung down to the floorboards, as if in respect for the dead.

"And inventory?" I asked.

"We were more fortunate: a barrel of salt was thrown overboard, but all else remains."

I gave the order to bury the bodies at sea. We were very lucky that the salt wsa all we lost, but I could still tell by the faces of crew that they were upset their captain was not there to guide them when they needed him most. They gave stares at Jack, too, as if he was to blame. I had never seen them so disappointed.

That's why we're leaving.

It's the best thing for everybody, really.

The crew won't have to be held back, two less mouths to feed and, most importantly, Jack will be safe. Thank God You-Know-Who isn't here to rub it in my face. She'd probably think I had given in to her: done exactly as she had planned.

Well, this is only temporary- I know it. Jack an' I will be back on the sea before we know it. He's just too young right now, y'know?

I asked the crew about it and they agreed it was for the best. My first mate, a man by the name of Barker, was gonna be runnin' things for a while. He's a good kid, he can handle it.

As for Jack, I decided I should ask him, too. I caught him one day, playing with his blocks.

"Hey, Jack- you, uh, you like Dad's ship?"

"Chip? Yeah, I like chip."

"You do, eh? You like, uh, all this water y'got around you?"

"Wah'r? Wah'r… yeah, I like wah'r… wah'r's gooooooooood…"

"Well, we're go'n be takin' a little break from the ship and, uh… and the water. We're gonna' be somewhere else… you understand, Jack?"

"Somewhere ehwse?"

"Yeah… on land."

"Lan'? Where lan'?"

He was confused- he had no idea you could _live_ on land. We've been ashore a bunch of times, but he's always stayed on the boat- usually it was at night, when he was sleeping.

"We're not gonna' be on this ship anymore, Jack."

"'Nother 'chop?"

"No, Jack… not on another ship."

"No chip? We live… somewhere ehwse?"

"Yeah, Jack."

He stared into space for a few seconds.

"I be with Teade?"

"Yeah, you can be with Teague."

He clapped his hands and smiled.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: alright… this is the last time… I SWEAR! No more sappy stuff- we're gettin' back to the hard core comedy- sex, violence and drugs! Well, maybe not that stuff… but it's gonna' be funny from now on… I SWEAR. RARGH!!!


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